Language

September 8, 2024

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and felt like it went well, then you come to find out that the person you were talking to interpreted it completely differently than you intended? Medical students have this problem all the time. They ask patients a question, give a presentation, the attending (old doctor) walks into the room, asks the same question and gets a completely different answer. Medical students are often ashamed because they feel like the attending thinks they lied to them. Any attending who has common sense knows it’s unlikely the student lied to them. The patient just heard the question differently or the attending asked prompting questions to have the real answer come out.

Currently we have a problem with language in our society. We speak, but people don’t hear. There’s an emotional component to this. There’s a quote attributed to President Theodore Roosevelt, “People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.” Adam Grant extends on this point that you can become a data bully. If you crush someone with data or “facts”, it won’t change their mind. People desire to come to the conclusion themselves. This is increasingly challenging as a parent/friend/boss because we may have more life experience. When we see patterns of behavior we start to predict the outcomes. We then try to solve people’s problems by giving them the “right” answer. People feel belittled, people feel unheard, and both parties leave the conversation disappointed or upset. Most of the time what we’re trying to say is, I care about you, I’m concerned with the choices that you’re making, I don’t want you to have to suffer like I have in the past. What’s interpreted is, you’re dumb, I know you better than you know yourself, do what I say.

In this context, how do we reach a place of common understanding? One strategy is to tell the story of why you have the opinion which you do. For various reasons, people tend to believe anecdotal stories more than expert opinion and statistical analysis. Exposing the pain that you’ve previously been through can better help explain your viewpoint. Telling a person to not use drugs feels paternalistic and like you’re back in an elementary school in a D.A.R.E program. Letting them know your concern because you’ve had multiple friends die in their 20s and 30s due to drugs is a very different story. This story is, I’m afraid I might lose you. I love you, just like I loved those I’ve already lost. Unfortunately, for me, this story is true.

Right now we have the same issue from a political perspective. The underlying values of the two major political parties are equal opportunity and freedom/independence. At times these values are competing. Both are inherent to our national identity, but we all have differing perspectives on which one is more lacking at a given time. If you watch cable news networks, the words that they use to argue their points can be divisive and polarizing. It arouses anxiety and intolerance of others. We neglect the validity of each perspective. This may draw more eyes, but it doesn’t further us towards conversations about the true needs of society.

What does any of this have to do with language? It’s not uncommon that I listen to two people disagree who are making the exact same point. At the root of it all, they both want people to be ok. Coming to this understanding is very important. People care. They care about those that they love. They care about the future of the nation. They care about their children. They care about their friends and families. Occasionally, they even care about themselves. They just have different tactics to reach the best solution.

Deep listening is the skill of hearing what people are really trying to say. Deep listening is hard because it requires an additional step. Deep listening takes work. Deep listening requires grace. Deep listening requires context. Deep listening is the ability to see people as they truly are.

If you disagree with someone else’s perspective or language, ask them how they came to that conclusion. Ask them why they are afraid to give their perspective. Ask them why they haven’t had an important conversation yet. Hanlon’s Razor, never attribute malice to what could just as easily be attributed to ignorance or incompetence is important. Stop viewing people as evil, unless you have the ability to view yourself in the same lens. Sometimes people just need to figure it out for themselves and this hurts. Any well meaning person doesn’t want another person to suffer. We’re all like this. People give us reasonable advice, we think they’re full of shit, do the opposite anyway, and have to learn from our mistakes.

Instead of seeking out the flaws in someone’s argument this week, try and think about what they are really trying to tell you. If you can’t figure it out, ask more questions. This may take more time than you want to devote to a conversation, but it will likely lead you to feeling that the conversation was actually beneficial. Ignore nitpicking the words that people use. Stop getting upset by people’s viewpoints. We are all trying to figure it out, and a little patience and grace may allow you to see people for who they really are.